You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.

To trust or not to trust, that is the question. Usually, I lean towards the not.

I find myself in a continuous circle of suspicion, disappointment, guilt, and reassurance. Round and round and round it goes. Will it stop? I don't know. I hate being a suspicious, critical, and questioning person, but that’s all I've even known. I've come to learn that the things that aren't said are just as important, or even more so than the things that are. The only way to figure out who I'm really dealing with is to dig around a little.

I wish so much that I could just let it go for a while. I wish I could be happy with what information I am given, but before I know it, the need to know more has spread through me like snake venom. For me, ignorance is not bliss.

I know that there is so much that goes unsaid and it is beyond my range of self-control not to find out what it is. I never snoop through personal things or anything like that. With the invention of blogs, this kind of information is easily accessible. Still, I feel guilty for feeling the need to do so.

Just when I become confident with where I am, or maybe I should say where we are, I do one last little check and so far something that has gone unsaid always surfaces. I feel bad for not being more trusting, but should I put that much trust into someone if I am still finding little secrets?

I wish ignorance was bliss. I wish I didn't need to know. I want to push all the doubts to the dark, dusty corners of my brain and never think about them again. I want to be content. But no matter how far back I push them, or how many other things I pile on top, they always find a way to wiggle to the surface.

Suspicion.

Disappointment.

Guilt.

Reassurance.

Wash, rinse and repeat.