I have good news and I have bad news.

But I don't even need to ask which you want to hear first, because I can sum it all up in one sentence. It turns out I'm not as paranoid as I thought.

This is good news, because it means I'm not crazy (or as crazy as I thought I was.) Also, I have regained confidence in my own intuition.

Mostly though, it is bad news. Let's just say that a giant wrench has been thrown in the gears of my plan to become a more trusting person, and my perception that the world is out to get me has only been confirmed.

I wish so much that I was just being paranoid, even if it meant that I was being crazy. I don't understand how some people can do such horrible things to others. If I ever did some of the things that other people have done to me to someone else, even if it was to someone I didn't like, I don't know how I could get out of bed every morning. I never want to do something intentionally that makes another person feel like I have felt.

I always used to think that it was completely ridiculous when people talked about being so emotionally hurt that they felt physical pain, but after last night, I think I take that back. I was so upset that it felt like I had been stabbed in the chest, literally. I couldn't move (except for the involuntary trembling,) it was hard to breath and every breath burned, and to top it all off, I thought my head was going to explode with endless number of thoughts that were flying through my brain. I can say with out a doubt that is the first time I have ever been heart broken.

My post from September 17th should be disregarded and my post from the 16th is once again holding true.